May 28, 2015

They found these papers scattered on Cersei's desk


FROM THE DESK OF CERSEI LANNISTER, QUEEN REGENT QUEEN MOTHER QUEEN OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS:
Agenda
  • Wake-up wine
  • Meeting w/Littlefinger
  • Power wine
  • Meeting w/Lady Olenna (pretend to be busy)
  • Lunch (w/wine) and latest severed dwarf-head inspection
  • Loras’s inquest (☺)
  • Winding-down wine
  • Pre-sleep scheming/self-satisfied smirking
  • Nightcap
Things to Think About
  • Torturing Tyrells
  • Ways to make small council smaller
  • Decrees to tell Tommen to sign
  • Worst Warden of the North: Ned Stark or Roose Bolton?
  • Best-tressed monarch: Me or Margaery?
Things Not to Think About
  • Maggy the Frog’s prophecy
  • Feeding the poor
  • Paying back the Iron Bank of Braavos
  • Littlefinger’s loyalty
  • How the High Sparrow feels about adultery/incest/kingslaying/slaughtering Baratheon bastards
Action Items
Eligible Male Lannisters
  • Jaime — On a sensitive diplomatic mission; kind of over him.
  • Tyrion — Trying to kill him.
  • Lancel — Gave up incest for Lent.
  • Tyrek/Gerion — Missing, probably dead.
  • Stafford/Martyn/Willem — Definitely dead.
  • Tommen — Ew, even for me.
  • Daven – Giant beard, but probably my only option at this point. Invite him to visit.
Other Ways to Get Wine if Jaime’s Diplomatic Mission Makes Martells Mad and Dorne Cuts Off King’s Landing

  • Get grapes instead. Make servant stomp on them. Then … wait a while? Not totally sure how wine works. Ask Qyburn.
  • Convince High Sparrow to say storing wine is a sin; send Faith Militant to confiscate casks.
  •  Marry into House Redwyne. Pros: Unlimited Arbor Gold; like the sound of “Cersei Redwyne.” Cons: Would be related to Lady Olenna.
  • Declare war on Dorne. He who controls the wine, controls the universe.
  • Join the Night’s Watch. Cold and uncomfortable, but they make mulled wine.
Day in Review
Low point: Tie between Roose Bolton’s betrayal and Lady Olenna not noticing that my line about veiled threats was a joke about the veil she’s always wearing.



Ben Lindbergh
 

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